The Story: Raw. Real. Revealing.

After I left the church, for awhile I fell asleep with a Bible on my chest—
not because I was devoted…
but because I was afraid.

I was afraid that if I died in my sleep,
‘God’ might find something in me that wasn’t holy enough.

Afraid that even with all my trying—
all my serving, all my kneeling, all my “yes, Lords”—
I still might be cast out. You know, into ‘Hell’ or the ‘Lake of Fire’, where there is screaming, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

When I finally left the church…
I thought I would feel free.

But what I felt?

Was terror.

Not because I doubted the decision.
But because for the first time in my life,
I was outside the gate—and the gate had always meant safety.

Or so I had been taught.

I wrestled with every line they ever fed me:

• “The heart is wicked.”

• “Your emotions can’t be trusted.”

• “Doubt is a doorway for demons.”

• “God won’t be mocked.”

• “It’s not good for man (or woman) to be alone.”

• “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth."

I was an adult woman,
with bills and heartbreak and babies of my own—
and still I was haunted like a child being told again:

See, no one talks about how the body stores fear
even when the mind starts waking up.
Or how the nervous system flinches when you pass a church sign.

OR - how little things, like “Can I pray for you?” or “Come visit us at ______church on Sunday!” - or even “You’re not going to church on Easter? (Or Christmas)” causes anxiety to rush up and fill your body.

Or…how “going to Hell” isn’t just a theological concept—
it’s trauma conditioning.

Before we go deeper…
If this already has your chest tight or your throat aching—
I want to remind you:
You’re not walking this road alone.

Come sit with us in The Mystical Meadows,
my free private Facebook group for sacred rebels and recovering church girls.
We laugh, cry, deconstruct, rage, make art, and rise together.

Join the Sisterhood

And even though I now believe in a Love that’s bigger,
wider, freer,
that never required my silence or submission to be accepted…the ruminating thoughts still continued.

Because they weren’t logical.
They were implanted.

Like a spiritual tracking device that pinged the moment I stepped out of line.

So I’d lay awake at night,
staring at the ceiling like it might crack open into fire and sulfur.
I’d walk by a church and hear a whisper:

But I didn’t leave God, per se…did I?

No, I wasn’t caught in ruminating thoughts because I left God…although my conditioned brain bunched it all together.
I ruminated because I left control.
Because I left manipulation dressed as love.
Because I chose truth over tradition.
And that kind of choice?

They said it would send me straight to Hell.

But here’s what I know now—
and I want you to hear this like it’s me looking you in the eyes:

And sister, hear this:  I’m not afraid of that place anymore.
Because I survived it.
And so will you. Because now, I know what it is.
It’s not God. And it was NEVER God.
It was a leftover ghost from the cage I outgrew.

🎨 Visual Oracle: Art as Reflection

I want you to paint what fear looks like in your body. What does it feel like? Where do you feel it? Let that drawing instrument move, shape, shift. This doesn’t even have to be a distinct. It can be a series of marks!

Then paint what freedom looks like next to it. Again, think…what does freedom feel like? What does freedom look like to me? And again, let your drawing instrument move, shape, shift.

Which one feels more honest?

 🔥 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Mind from Religious Fear

⚡ 60-Second Energy Reset: “Shake Off the Curse”

This is a body-based reset to release implanted fear.

Try this:

1. Stand up.

2. Shake your hands like you’re flinging off cold water.

3. Bounce your heels gently off the floor.

4. Exhale sharply 3 times through your mouth.

5. Then say aloud:

This works because shaking discharges stored tension and clears the fight/flight/freeze stuck energy from old trauma loops.

Here’s a quick tip - to snap you out of ruminating thoughts!

Let It Go — A Free Guided Meditation for the Unraveling Moments

_{🎧 Grab the Let It Go Meditation Here🎧}

Memes That Preach (better than a pulpit)

P.S.
If no one ever told you this, let me say it now:

You are walking toward yourself.

And if that’s wrong— (believe me, it’s not)
then maybe wrong is exactly where we start healing.

Did something resonate today? Tell me.
I read every single reply, because your voice matters to me!
So don’t stay silent. I’m listening! Keep choosing yourself. Again and again. I’ll be here, cheering you on!