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Finding Your Voice After Years of Learning to Be Silent

I need to tell you something that might sound contradictory at first, but stay with me because this distinction changed everything for me—and it might change everything for you too.

I didn't walk away from the church because I stopped believing in the Divine. I walked away because the version of God I was handed felt nothing like the love I knew the Divine Being that created the Universe really was. Instead, it felt like a constant performance review where the criteria kept changing, where no matter how small I made myself or how perfectly I tried to fit into their prescribed boxes, I was always somehow falling short.

What I discovered in my own unraveling—and what I've witnessed in countless women since—is that we often mistake control for care, guilt for guidance, and compliance for connection. The God they presented required me to abandon myself so completely that I lost track of where their expectations ended and my authentic self began.

After leaving that system, I found myself in a place you might recognize: utterly lost. My entire identity had been constructed around external validation and prescribed roles. When those structures disappeared, I felt like I was free-falling without a parachute, grasping for something solid to hold onto.

By this point in my journey, I'd already weathered two marriages that taught me painful lessons about what happens when we prioritize everyone else's comfort over our own truth. The first marriage ended when my wusband courageously came out after fourteen years together. While I genuinely celebrate his authenticity and having the courage and bravery in that system to speak his truth, his emergence from one closet inadvertently pushed me deeper into another—one where I hid my own needs, my own voice, my own knowing.

Enter the second marriage.That one was orchestrated by people who believed they knew better than I did about my own life. I began to spiral when my first wusband came out, and I went out on the prowl, trying desperately to find something - anything - to numb the pain. Enter second wusband. I had known this man for exactly a month and found myself pregnant. That’s when the pressure began. Every fiber of my being was screaming "no," but I'd been so thoroughly conditioned to doubt my own instincts that I interpreted that inner alarm as selfishness and sin.

The pastoral staff told me that covenant mattered more than anything. That obedience was holier than intuition, and that once I made a vow—even under duress—God would somehow sanctify what felt fundamentally wrong.

"Even if he wasn't God's man for you before," they assured me, "he is now because you're entering into covenant with him."

And I know what you’re saying at this point. DEBBY - girl - seriously?! How? Why would you let someone manipulate you like that?!

And you might also be wondering how someone could make such a life-altering decision against every instinct they possessed.

By now, I had known this man for 2 months. I married him. At the ceremony, I threw up - not because I had morning sickness, but because everything in me screamed ‘HELLL NO!’ But I went through with it. I committed and I stayed. Even when the relationship became physically dangerous, I remained because I'd been taught that my faithfulness to a covenant was more important than anything. And that meant even more than my safety. I believed that enduring suffering was somehow sacred. Looking back, I have compassion on my younger self. She was doing what she thought was right. For her Mom, for her family, for her church, for her God - but not necessarily for herself.

This is what happens when women are taught that their value lies primarily in submission: We learn to mistake abuse for devotion and pain for piety. We offer up our bodies, our boundaries, our very selves to systems that never once considered us sacred.

I tried desperately to be what they needed me to be. I poured my creativity, my gifts, my music, my entire being into becoming their version of good. Yet somehow, I was always too much—too emotional, too questioning, too resistant to simply accepting what I was told.

The real transformation began when I made the radical decision to return to college at forty as a single mother. I set a boundary with the church that I needed to step down from my 20+ hour volunteer music ministry job and focus on my studies. They met my wager by kicking me out.

But college - Ohhh, my discovery of studio arts, drawing, painting, ceramics, and art education. I had run from it all of my life up until then. But to me, art was magic in my veins. Each class, each new idea, each moment of intellectual expansion created tiny fractures in the foundation of my conditioned compliance. And every time I chose to honor my own curiosity, my own growth, my own dreams, those cracks grew wider.

Maybe You Recognize This Story

Perhaps you've felt that suffocating weight of trying to be good according to someone else's definition. Maybe you've experienced that desperate scramble to fit yourself into boxes that were never designed for your particular shape, your unique gifts, or your authentic self.

Have you ever found yourself apologizing for taking up space, for having needs, for possessing opinions that don't align with what's expected of you?

Do you remember what it felt like to have your own knowing, before you were taught to doubt it? Before you learned that other people's comfort was more important than your truth?

If you're nodding along, sweet soul, you're not alone in this.

The moment everything shifted for me came not with fanfare, but with exhaustion. The overwhelming weight of perpetual obedience finally snapped something inside me clean apart. In the profound silence that followed, I heard something I hadn't heard in years - or maybe even ever: the sound of my own authentic voice.

Here's what I've discovered through my own journey and through walking alongside hundreds of other women: your intuition was never broken. It was just buried. And it's been patiently waiting for you to remember that it exists, to learn how to hear it again, to finally give it permission to guide you home to yourself.

For those of us who were never taught to trust our inner compass—who were actually taught to distrust it—the idea that we can access and follow our own knowing can feel both thrilling and terrifying.

Your intuition isn't something you need to find. It's something you need to remember.

It's the part of you that always knew when something felt wrong, even when you couldn't name why. It's the voice that tried to warn you, protect you, guide you, even when you were too conditioned to listen. It's the wisest part of you that never forgot who you really are, beneath all the roles you were taught to play.

You don't need anyone's permission to trust yourself. You never did.

But I know that knowing this intellectually and actually living it are two very different things. For those of us who were systematically taught to distrust our inner knowing, learning to hear and follow our intuition again can feel like learning a foreign language we once spoke fluently as children.

That's exactly why I created the Intuitive Decision-Making Journal—not as another self-help tool, but as a gentle bridge back to the wisest part of yourself. It's designed specifically for women who were raised in systems that taught us to ignore, doubt, or override our inner voice.

This isn't just a journal—it's a reintroduction to your own knowing. A way to practice distinguishing between the voice of conditioning and the voice of truth. Between what they taught you to want and what you actually desire. Between who they needed you to be and who you were always meant to become.

Each page is designed to help you reconnect with the part of you that always knew, even when you were told not to trust it. The part that tried to warn you, guide you, protect you—even when you weren't ready to listen.

Your intuition isn't broken. It never was. It's just been waiting for you to come home.

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The Art of Becoming: The Sovereignty Spiral

Use a spiral to guide your intuitive art practice this week.

Start in the center of your page and draw a spiral outward—each loop representing a year, a version of you, or a belief you’ve shed.
Don’t overthink it. Let your hand move.

Then pause and ask:
At what point did I stop choosing myself?
Where in the spiral am I reclaiming my power now?
Layer in colors, shapes, symbols. Let it be messy. Let it be yours.

 3 Ways to Re-Claim Yourself After Leaving High-Control Religion

60-Second Energy Reset: Solar Plexus Light Pour

This one’s from Jeffrey Allen’s field techniques.

• Sit comfortably.

• Place one hand over your solar plexus (just above the navel).

• Close your eyes and visualize a golden light pouring into the crown of your head.

• Let it fill your entire torso like warm sunlight in water.

• Feel it restoring your confidence, your clarity, your power.

As you breathe, repeat internally:

Why This Works:

The solar plexus chakra is your energetic center of personal power, self-worth, and will.
Religious trauma and patriarchal programming often crush this area—causing women to feel powerless, confused, or small.

This energy reset reprograms your body to receive light where shame once lived—activating your sovereignty, one breath at a time.

Memes That Preach (better than a pulpit!):

If this letter stirred something in you—
a grief you haven’t spoken, a truth you’ve been carrying, a vow you’re ready to break...

Come walk with us in The Mystical Meadows Circle.
This isn’t church.
It’s reclamation.

Art. Ritual. Sisterhood. Healing. Virtual Meet-ups.
Because the fire didn’t destroy you—you’re rising from the ashes and it is beautiful!
Become a member here.

💌 P.S. Love Note

This healing thing? It’s not a straight line.
It’s a spiral.
But I guarantee you, every time you choose yourself, you rise a little higher and step into self healing a little deeper. .

Write me back if this touched something in you.
I read every word. Because your story deserves to be held.

I love you.

Debby